Devil's Rest VICTORY

Wahkeena Falls Trailhead to Devil’s Rest

Columbia River Gorge

As I mentioned in my last post, Frozen Waterfalls in Columbia Gorge, the Devil’s Rest hike is something I’ve been wanting to do for a while.  Think of it as a badge of honor—it would be the steepest, longest hike I ever tackled.  We’re talking 7.5 miles in the woods, 2,550’ elevation.  So needless to say, it was a challenging goal.  Truth be told—and I’ll own it—this would be the fourth attempt to hit this hike.

Attempt #1—Made it about 4 miles in, turned around due to fatigue and falling temperatures.

Attempt #2—A week later, made it a mile in before my stomach took a turn.  Scrambled eggs wasn’t a good choice for breakfast.

Attempt #3—The next week, made it ¼ of a mile in, but the trail was covered in thick sheets of ice (previous blog post).

Attempt #4—

9:09 a.m.—Arrived at Wahkeena Falls Trailhead in the Columbia River Gorge.  Sent friends and family a text message letting them know where I was.  It’s about 42 degrees right now and it’s starting to rain.

9:40 a.m.—Made it up 11 switchbacks, leading me approximately 600’ in the first half a mile of the trip.  Oh my God, my legs are on fire and my heart is pounding in my ears.

9:45 a.m.— There are a few superhuman trailrunners blasting ahead of me.  Forget that crap.  I’m not qualifying for the Olympics.  Break time for me.  The rain is starting to die off a little.  Hopefully my protein bar didn’t get too soggy.

9:51 a.m.—There’s a big ass tree trunk blocking the way.  I got my footing and climbed my way around that mofo.  I just made it through 11 switchbacks.  I’m not letting some stupid trunk stop me. 

Ha!  Bite me, tree trunk.

9:57 a.m.—Fairy Falls!  I’m 2 miles into the hike at this point.  The air’s still pretty chilly, but my heart beat is back to a normal rate.  AHHH.

10:30 a.m.—I’m getting deeper and deeper into the woods and the fog is starting to get thicker and colder.  Interesting that as I’m getting  closer to a location called “Devil’s Rest”, that it’s getting a little spooky.  Beautiful, but spooky.

10:34 a.m.—YES!  I see a wooden sign!  That’s good.  My legs are tired.  I have no idea how much further I need to go.

I’m the red dot.  YES!  1.6 miles to go!  WHEW!  I’m making good time too—an hour and a half and some change.  I got this!

Why, thank you, sign.  You are most helpful.

Victory dance and protein bar break!  My legs are starting to feel squashy from the hips down, but F it.  1.6 miles?  Piece of cake.

11:07 a.m.—Oh my dear God.  It’s been a straight half mile of switchback after switchback.  I think I’m gargling my heart.  I’m breathing so hard you’d think I just wolfed my way through a bag of greasy fries.  At this point, I’m willing my feet to keep moving forward, but they’re protesting.  I’m taking breaks every 20 steps.  F me running.

Gorgeous view.  Stupid damn switchbacks.

11:07 a.m.—In keeping with the creepy vibe, there’s a weird spider tree kind of poking out from the side of the trail.  Weird, but cool.  Thankfully, the trail is level for right now.  My legs are pissed.

11:13 a.m.—I’m starting to cross paths with hikers that look all fresh-faced and pumped to be alive.  They give me the look of pity.  Fuckers.  I look like a stumbling rag-a-muffin, stinking of sweat.  I’m pretty sure I’ve sweated through my pants at this point.  Swamp ass is unpleasant in general, but even more unpleasant in the presence of strangers.

11:21 a.m.--Ok.  Come on, Little Engine.  Dear God.  I’m sure my legs are going to pop off my torso and rebel.  Or strike.  Or both.  I came across a weird, bloody piece of tree bark.  I’m pretty sure this isn’t Devil’s Rest, but Dante’s Inferno.  Why is the trail still going up?  Dear Lord, where in the hell is all this height coming from?  I beg a hiker heading back in desperation—how much further do I go?  Did I miss it?  He rolled his eyes and checked his super-fancy hiking watch.  “You’ve got 300’ vertically to go” and walked off.  Thank you, Ass.  That was absolutely no help at all.

Bloody stump.  That's exactly what my legs feel like.

11:44 a.m.—I’m pretty sure I can’t do anymore.  The thought of turning around at this point is so tempting, I’m salivating, which looks disturbing to hikers I stumble across.  I keep promising myself biscuits and gravy if I keep going.  I asked another passerby how close I was.  He said it was right around the corner!  I could have hugged him, but that would have been awkward.  Suddenly, my posture’s perfect and my legs are strutting a little “I got this” swag.

11:46 a.m.—VICTORY!  DEAR GOD, YES!  I MADE IT!  I would jump up and down, but despite the triumphant adrenaline rush, my legs are still overworked and pissy.  Instead, I sat on my ass and enjoyed the rush.  So good.  Oh man.

Devil’s Rest in itself isn’t particularly fantastic or spell-binding.  It’s a grotto of gigantic mossy rocks.  Don’t care.  To me, this place is epic.

The look of exhausted victory.

I wanted to take more pictures, but there were two dudes that were wanting to snap pictures of each other eating Clif bars.  I opted to bounce before it got too PDA-ish (either with each other or the Clif bars).

At this point, I have traversed 3.75 miles, 2,550’ vertically in 2 hours, 37 minutes.  I’ve made it through half of my water and gnawed on ½ of my protein bar.  I didn’t stay at the site long.  I’m sure the gents wanted privacy with their Clif bars and expensive cameras.  I took a few minutes to enjoy the sights, and made my way down.

12:01 p.m.—Finally got to the point where I could to sit.  The way down isn’t too shabby, much to my body’s delight.  My arms and hands are joining in, getting all achy and cold.  The temperature is dipping—if I had to take a guess, it’s probably high 30’s/low 40’s.  I took a break and threw on another pair of gloves.  Always pack extra provisions and equipment.  It’s worth it.

I have on two pairs of socks.  I don't have cankles.  Just throwing that out there.

12:09 a.m.—I’m up and at ‘em.  The downhill switchbacks would be Heaven, but the rain has made them slip-zones, so I still have to go slow.  Despite that though, I’m still swaggering with pride.  Now I know why those jerks were so happy when they crossed my path.  I pass a few exhausted faces while I’m on my way down and wish them luck.  "It’s gorgeous!", I tell them.  "Keep going!"

Glorious, glorious mud.

12:32 p.m.—Still going down, down, down.  I just passed a tree that looks like it’s being eaten by another tree.  Sweet.

Om nom nom.

1:18 p.m.—The trail is getting familiar and I’m starting to bump into more people.  I’m getting closer to civilization, which in turn means closer to biscuits and gravy!  My legs are getting the shakes right now.  I mumble a mantra of all the things I’m going to devour: "Biscuits and gravy.  Scrambled eggs.  Coffee.  Potatoes.  Come on.  There’s food.  Keep going for food."

1:20 p.m.—Ok, this area is definitely familiar.  I just passed the tree trunk that I climbed over on my way up.  I am so elated, I feel like my chest is going to explode.  People are looking at me like I’m a little bananas, but that doesn’t stop me from saying hello and “Happy Adventures!”  I’m so cheerful that I get disgusted looks from fellow hikers.  They can kiss my ass.  Devil’s Rest has been conquered and I’m in the home stretch!  Happy times and sunshine!

However, my elation bit me in the ass.  Literally.  I was strutting my victory walk when I slipped on some mud and grazed my back on an exposed tree trunk on my way down.  Sonofabitch.  Oh well.  Almost done!

1:24 p.m.—I reach the original summit, the result of the preliminary 11 switchbacks.  Bruised back meat or no, victory is glorious.

1:33 p.m.—Making my way down #6 of the switchbacks.  I encourage the group of ladies struggling up that they only have five more to go.  They all cheered and it was awesome.

1:37 p.m.—HOLY SHIT, THERE’S MY CAR!

1:43 p.m.—V-I-C-T-O-R-Y.  I’ve reached the trailhead.  My entire body is wracked with cold, tingling with muscle spasms from head-to-toe.  I can feel the bruises forming and I’m up to my ankles in thick splatters of wet mud.  God, I love hiking.

 

Peace out, Wahkeena and Devil’s Rest.  It’s been an amazing adventure.

It took me approximately one hour, 57 minutes to make my way down.  Summation—I hiked 7.5 miles in 4 hours and 34 minutes.  Fell down once, ate ¾ of a protein bar, and drank nearly all my water.  Victory has never been so sweet.

The End.

P.S.  I headed out to get breakfast afterwards at Cup and Saucer on Killingsworth.  Forget biscuits and gravy.  I wanted eggs.

I ordered the World Famous Garden Scramble with home fries, whole wheat toast with butter and strawberry jam, and a café au lait with soy milk.  I was not lady-like in devouring the entirety of the meal in a disturbingly short amount of time.  The waitress/server gal was really sweet, but I think I creeped her out a little, which made the whole experience even better.

So worth it.

al