Our Inner Bully

You know, when asked to write and share, it’s so hard to narrow down a thought.  I don’t know if you’ve heard of the Buddhist/mindfulness adage, but it is said that we have as many thoughts in our mind as particles of dust in sunlight.  I love that quote—if I had my trusty Buddhist quote book with me right now, I’d be able to give credit properly.

I think mindfulness practice is something that’s becoming more and more recognized in our breakneck-speed, “if you ain’t first, you’re last” mentality.  Carrying around that self-critical, unyielding inner bully can be such a heavy task, especially when it comes to home life, work, or new adventures.

For example, I am training for the Twilight Half Marathon this July (no, it's not for the vampire movie).  Now, I would consider myself a novice runner.  I’ve done a few 5ks (3.1 miles) and one 10k (6.2 miles—which was brutal, by the way), but nothing this challenging.  A half marathon is a 13.3 mile race.  Even the thought of running the half marathon sends feelings of nervousness and self-doubt through my being.  You may recognize the following thoughts:

“Oh my God, why are you starting this?  Isn’t this a little over-ambitious?”

“You can’t even blog on a regular basis.  What makes you think you can stick to a training program for 12 weeks?”

“You’re going to come in last place.”

“You’re probably going to hurt yourself.”

“You’re a slow runner.”

Talk about mental self-bullying.  The funny thing is that I thought all these thoughts consecutively and within a few seconds.  But even that brief timeframe can completely dampen your spirits when you harbor thoughts like that.  I’m curious to know where the inner bully comes from, but that’ll be another topic to ponder.

So how does one recover from the internal brutal onslaught?

To be honest, I really don’t know.  Lately, my inner bully has been creeping up on me while huffing and puffing at the nature park.  “What are you doing?  Why are you stopping?  Your time is going to suck.  This is such a terrible run.  Why bother?”  It sucks.  It really does.  I can feel the little bastard hovering nearby, ready to sling the next insult or degrading remark as I make my way along the trail.

This morning, I had my first long run of the training program.  A long run is a run you do to get your body used to going long distances.  I mentally prepared myself to take this run at an easy pace.  Running beyond your physical capabilities puts you in high risk of hurting yourself, which would mess up the whole training plan.  I’ve done it before and it did result in injuries, so I listen to my body more closely and honor what I feel or need.

Even starting at an easier, slower pace, I could feel that bully trying to force me to run faster and take less walking breaks.  When I wouldn’t listen and I continued my easy pace, the taunting became worse.  Even the music in my headphones couldn’t drown out all the hateful things I was telling myself.  It was making my body and my legs feel heavier than they already were.  In one breath, out of the dense cruelty came one simple little notion:

“How would I be if my friend was in this situation?”

The bully immediately deflated and my compassion for this tough run grew.  Within a heartbeat, my inner thoughts became so much more encouraging:

“You’re doing great!”

“You’ve got this, Kid!”

“Hey, if you don’t hit your best time, give yourself a break!  You’re only in the early stages of the training program.”

“You’ve only got a mile to go!”

Isn’t that wild?  Especially with the almost immediate shift from negative to positive.  As soon as I took on the lighter, friendlier mentality, my run became lighter too.  I ran more spirited, flowed with the pace of my music, and ended up beating my overall time per mileage by 30 seconds.  Isn’t that incredible?  I felt so elated, accomplished, and gave myself a mental pat on the back.  I did it!  I met my goal!

Well, if this works with running, why can’t it work in different aspects of life?  What if we turned those negative thoughts—being lousy at our job, being a crummy partner/sister/friend/granddaughter/fill-in-the-blank—and transpose them with a friendlier outlook?  Would we be lighter?  More free?  Would we actually far exceed our self-expectations if we lessened the power of that inner bully?

It’s something to play around with, that’s for sure.  I took that mentality into the day and although it’s early afternoon, I’m still feeling mentally lighter.  I feel like I’ve been laughing more, having easier conversations, and feeling less hesitation when asking for help.  The run was completed nearly four hours ago and I’m still taking that lightness with me.

Now, can you only find this kind of lightness through running?  Heck no.  Follow what makes you feel good and whole.  It could be playing an instrument, reading a book, organizing a comic book collection, playing rugby, anything—find something that makes you feel “more you”, or authentic to who you are.

For me, this was a grand step in a positive direction.  I’m sure that those little inner bully thoughts will come through again, but I’ll be aware of using this “friendlier self” mentality to diffuse some of its momentum.

Thanks for reading.  I hope your inner bully doesn’t weigh you down.  If it does, smile and know you’re exactly like everyone around you.  You have the power to shift your mental direction, one situation at a time.

Be well,

al

The Twilight Half-Marathon is run in memory of my brother Alex, who I carry with me on the trail.